with this I tell a story......

Phoenix bangkit dari abu pertempuran..
Perlu apa aku ke Valhalla bersendiri..
Perkara Pontianak tiada akan selesai kerana mereka ada berkeliaran..
Keraskan hati, pelok jati diri...Alam tidak akan hilang seri!!!

Iniramsi, 25 May 2012, 16:43

Melodramatic me!!! Heheh

"Do you have the time

To listen to me whine

About nothing and everything

All at once

I am one of those

Melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bone

No doubt about it"

- Green Day 'Basket Case'

Hey there!

I think I have wasted a few chances on 'good' entry of laments. Well, there were supposed to be one on the horrific sets of medications that I have to gobble down on schedule, one on the outcome of my CT scan for my sinus, yeah..one on the corrugations under the eyelids which came back after 7 years..etc.

Yeah...And another...I decided to commit myself to a PT course. Ya heard that rite the first time yow! I, the difficult highness, step down from my skeptical plain to trust a personal trainer. Small fella. I hope I won't crush him. Wahahaahahahahahaha!!! Statement kejam.

Sounds happy, doesn't it? The fact that i finally got pro help for my Barney drumsticks to go down to a Promark 5B sticks eyh?? (cehh!! i can't even hit the mile of more than 6 counts on the weight machines). Yeah, looking forward to fitting into the Armani jeans bought in Hong Kong 2 1/2 years ago.

There was one routine that I really really like. Oh yes! It involves speed - the bicycle. *rasa macam Freddie Mercury duk nyanyi lagu Bicycle Race sebagai latarbelakang*.

:(

:'(

That's right babeyh. Pain.                     *teary eyes*

Owh...It just might not be the fallen arches. It might be the bunions. :) 

Ok. Not that bunny. Ain't this bunny either....

 

@_@ Boink! heheh...

:( + Think Positive = Surfing the net for clues.

Surfing. Surfiiiiiiing. Surrrrrrrrffiiiiiiiinggggg. 

>.>   <.<    \(>.<)/

Two words! R..............d   Ar.........s

If you can't guess that, go hang that hang man.

I thought to myself - nahhhh...I can't kill myself yet. NOOOOO!!!!

A visit to the pharmacy. Looking for this ---->

 

 *such a boring picture, kan???*

To no avail. Now, that's not it.

The cute lady pharmacist asked me to show both my feet and hands.

"I don't think ........is the problem. Have you checked with your doctor? It looks arthritis to me...".

 

Walking to my car, I said to myself, "Hey, I can't let myself die this way. No way".

SEKIAN.

"I tried so hard and get so far

But in the end

It doesn't really matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't really matter"

- Linkin Park 'In The End'

This was written on the 31st of January 2012

How is me today?

Fine. Thank you.

Fine eyh? Why are you wearing a frown then?

:’(

                I don’t know what to think or do or even how to pretend anymore.

I try looking at myself, my problems from the point of view of an outsider.

a)      Those who just knew me – “Poor you. Please get a proper medication and take a rest yah.”

b)      Those who knew me less than 3 years –“Think positive mang!! You wouldn’t want to be labelled as a complainer. The whining will charge up the negative energy. You will never get out of that rut ya hear?!.” (exaggerated a bit lah here)

c)       Those who knew me for more than 15years – “Please get a second opinion. You can’t stick to one or two doctors.”

d)      Those who really know me and are families – “There is this one ustaz….blah blah blah..”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A few minutes ago (now is 12.10pm) I almost hit my head on the class whiteboard. I intended to keep on hitting until I pass out. One wrong move of those near to me..I might just throw in a few slashes on the wrist.

                                                                                *Restless*

This crawling pain that runs along the sinus area is driving me up the wall. Dah berkantung dah obat dik nonsss!!! There are too many medicines that I could do my own catalogue entry of these antihistamines and steroids.

I would love to end this piece with motivating words or even a quip (to me self). I just can't.

Fatigue is my new shadow :(

                   I feel very tired nowadays.
Usually, I would be energetic after popping in all sorts of medication and supplements. Not these two weeks.

Here is a link of causes of fatigues from Yahoo Lifestyle.
http://in.lifestyle.yahoo.com/4-reasons-for-that-fatigue.html

It gives the idea of you gotta watch out for these 4 causes when your energy level constantly go low.
#1 Heart Trouble
#2 Low Thyroid
#3 Blood Imbalances
#4 Liver Issues

                   #2 is most unlikely as I have done related tests before. Though my heart says that the tests were wrong. *matilaaa x ngaku kuat makan. hahahaha...err..  :(

I suspect that my ESR has gone up again. I better make sure it comes down soon at least two months before my next appointment so that my methotrexate dosage would not be increased.

Holiday? I wish (-_-)

             A friend from Singapore WhatsApp me today. She asked me if I want to join her for a holiday in Bali this June. Unfortunately, I have to take a raincheck.

            For the past 3 months, I have spent and been spending soooooo much that to spend more would be bad luck for a superstitious me :(

            To ease my heart, I went through few of my previous holiday photos on fb. It struck me that I have always been considering oversea locations for holidays. Another memory hit me. I told my drums coach that before my RA become worst, I would like to travel around Malaysia....and maybe try para-sailing in Jugra, somewhere near Klang I guess.

           I suddenly remember a new location in Malaysia that I just learnt in a cyber interaction with a fitness instructor. During which, I did come across a blog. http://winnieyong.wordpress.com/2008/12/31/lenggong-perak-22/

           Wow! There are so many beautiful places in Malaysia. Gua tempurung pon x masuk lagi okayyyy. And my dream visit of the canopy walk in Sepilok. http://blog.malaysia-asia.my/2010/01/canopy-walk-at-rainforest-discovery.html

But....

Uhuk!

I ma fucken fat. I am not that fit and I wanna die because I cannot do outdoor activities without risking hurting myself.





I wish I had died instead of taking my medications which caused my tremendous weight gain. :(((

I haz a sad

 I woke up feeling very sad. I don't know why.

Nope. It's nothing to do with mystical stuffs that love me and my crib at all.

Yesterday's evening was a quest for coconuts. Had three coconuts as I drank the juice of 3coconuts yesterday. All these are because i 'think' my swollen heavy eyes are due to my sinus. And the usual traditional remedy is the coconut juice.

My eyes are better this morning. Alhamdulillah. Coconut juice according to the elders are not good for the veins despite its 'antibiotic' effects on certain ailments. So this morning I am kinda stuck in between wanting to pop in the Celebrex pill into my gut or bathing myself in minyak urat. Aku ada rehumatoid arthritis ok. Painful ma....my fingers.

Yeah...those are my sadness. I m such a complainer.

Anyway, i didn't lie when i said that "It's nothing to do with mystical stuffs that love me and my crib at all."

Last night, I saw 'one' in Asaari's house. FYI, the last time I slept there, 'it' bit my back. Fak ya creature! I don't know. I feel unhappier and weak. I wonder what God has in store for me.

Heyyyyy!! Why is it alway 'what God has in store for me'???? Why not 'what God wants me to learn and overcome this time around'?!?! :)

:/

ps. watching Bruce lee's documentary on NatGeo channel reminds me of the 'whisperer' that was so confident that I will never pass the 30's age. Wallahualam. Janji, esok esok, mati dalam iman. x kesah lah kan :((

I did not write because............

Hi there Diary!
                           Sorry for not writing for soooo long.
Been meaning to write like just before Ramadhan last year but there were too many distractions.

Ah well, this is MY diary so i should not be so apologetic huh...hehehe, considering that I have no followers unlike Hanis Zalikha kan?

Dear Diary....please don't be mad at me for such laaaaaaate entry.  Firstly I ma gonna write about my feeling after the doctor increased my methotrexate. :(

I hate methotrexate. It is not as cool as taking meth! *mati laaa statement bodoh*

                                                                                                  hahahadoii...pretty well exagerated huh? You see....being on 'medication that medication this' is never fun for anyone. You have makcik makcik leha jenab bedah kiah around you retorting your lamenting concern by giving that in between high pitch and guttural response - Sapaaaa laaaa nak sakittt....mujur la ada obattt!! (Nobody wants be to be sick, it's fortunate that you have medication for that).

                                                     

      Muka buat2 kesah padahal bosan mendengar keluh-kesah kaki komplen :(

                          I always thought that my RA flares are quite controlled as in its appearance is considered infrequent. My own observation says that it appears only if I accidently eat that maggot look-a-like of the soybean transformation, cabbage, expired seafood etc.
                          It would also make my life difficult if I were to first, make my blanket's job difficult on cold nights. I m one of those who cover my everything up except for my toes. Hahahaha. meow ;p

Honestly speaking, I felt rather frustrated because I did so many things to decrease my ESR. I don't understand why should the dose be increased. I don't wanna live with such high dosages. Even a friend's friend who suffers from Psoriasis Arthritis takes like 6 per week. I kept asking myself as I walked to the carpark from the pharmacy - Is this Doomed???

A cancer patient: Weyyyyh! Cut the ramble!
                            What's the dosage like.. you moron!?!?
This moron        :  Well, the doc increased it from 3 to 4 per week!
A cancer patient: *Punch! Thud! Thump!*

The moron now keeps quiet.................

                                             

Have a great holiday everyone :D